I have travelled many times to the ancient metropolis of “Glen Dale,” buried deep in the sands of the Southwestern Desert. This thriving trading post of the semi-mythical realm of “Ari-Zona,” preserved by an ancient eruption, has been the source of so much of our knowledge about ancient mankind. Never before, however, has there been a find that inspired the mind—and the soul—more than a wonderfully preserved “man-cave” my team and I unearthed this February.

Nestled away amongst the broken glass and sports paraphernalia typically found in these primitive bunkers, however, was an apparent makeshift shrine to the minor deity “Mark-Wahlberg.” Common images of this god, including “Mark-Wahlberg the Warrior,” “Mark-Wahlberg the Gambler”, and “Mark-Wahlberg the Friend of Small Bear” all adorned tapestries still hanging on the walls. However, evidence of a new, perhaps apocryphal legend was also found, illuminating much about the daily religious lives of the Ari-Zonan people.

This legend is illustrated by Mark-Wahlberg, depicted as he commonly is with slicked-back hair leaning on a “motor-cycle,” in the form that is commonly referred to as “Mark-Wahlberg the Cool Guy.” However, standing tall next to him is an image of the slightly more popular divinity “Will-Ferrell,” holding a cornucopia of various produce and wearing a “neck-tie.” Though a clear distinction is made between the two, the unnamed artist deftly conveyed that the two deities have a kind of grudging respect for each other. Their depictions however, appear at odds.

The secret to this might be found in the runes underneath the images: “Daddy’s Home 2.” The number “2,” though we cannot be certain, implies that there exists an earlier tale; perhaps known as “Daddy’s Home 1,” or simply “Daddy’s Home.” This shows that, to the Ari-Zonans, the gods were just like us; they went shopping, transported
themselves with gas power, and used hair products. The gods played an active role in everyday life for these people, and one can feel their spirits dwelling in their huts even today.