Horoscopes – The Signs as The Torture You’ll Endure This Week
Aries
The party line at ATO. The event said the party would start at 10, so you decided to arrive at 10:30 only to find a line wrapped all the way down to health services. The crowd grows louder and restless, and you are claustrophobic in a sea of screaming drunk children. This is hell.
Taurus
Making eye contact with a failed Tinder match. You enter Dewick, make the rounds through downstairs before finding a half full long table upstairs and suddenly you see them: Alex, 19, “here for a good time not a long time.” You pretend you haven’t exchanged sweet nothings at midnight as a distraction from a research project.
Gemini
3AM fire alarm. You are roused, groggy, at the crack of 3 hours before dawn, by the shriek of a klaxon siren. The fire alarm. You swiftly throw on yesterday’s pants and make your way outside. It’s cold. You’re half naked. The cause, you ask? Bacon on a hair straightener. You give up.
Cancer
TDC rejection. When arriving to Tufts you hear of this dance group that doesn’t require you to be a good dancer. Great! You apply to four or five dances, just to be safe, so you can have your pick. Then a slow trickle of replies: “We are sorry we could not admit you to our dance!” You were accepted to Tufts and rejected from fucking TDC.
Leo
Reading Tufts Secrets. Normally, flagrant displays of wealth, sexism, and tokenism are not your jam. But sometimes the salacious Tufts Secrets page calls to you. And then you’re 80 secrets deep and you loathe everyone you’ve ever met.
Virgo
Paying $30 for a new Tufts ID. You should have succumbed to the trend of weird sticky plastic pockets on your phone but no, you didn’t succumb, and now you’re hauling ass to TUPD to shell out 30 sweet smackaroonies for a friggin’ Tufts ID.
Libra
Taking your parents to Tisch Roof when it smells like weed. You: This is Tisch roof, you can see all of Boston from here! Mom: Oh, that’s so ni- what’s that smell? Are there skunks here? Dad: That’s not skunk sweetheart. Our child has brought us near the devil’s lettuce.
Scorpio
Swiping into Carm at 11:01. You were going to treat yourself to KDel for lunch but these wet eggs and bacon will have to tide you over til dinner, huh?
Saggitarius
Raspberry Rubinoff. No other smell immediately triggers the gag reflex. Except the smell of literally every other flavor of Rubi.
Capricorn
Freshmen girls who are cooler than you. Once you are no longer a first year, you feel the sheen of first-year-ness slide away and you are a confident as hell sophomore. Or so you think, until you see some freshman girl who is cool as shit. THAT’S NOT ALLOWED. WHAT THE FUCK.
Aquarius
No late night on three-day weekends. A moment of silence for the chicken fingers you could have swallowed whole.
Pisces
Being wasted in front of your TA. You forget they live nearby, you walk far too dizzily down Pro Row, then make long eye contact while loudly reminding yourself NOT to engage, he is NOT your friend.