Grover Cleveland, Fraternity Legend and American Badass

Features | November 29, 2017

After Ancient Aliens Redux, narrated by Alex Jones, we bring to you at 10:00 PM, Grover Cleveland, Fraternity Legend and American Badass, narrated by Morgan Freeman and Guy Who Drank 4 Red Bulls.

Morgan Freeman: Grover Cleveland. We think of him as Grover Cleveland, the 22nd and 24th president of the United States, the only man to serve two terms non-consecutively in
American History. Or maybe the president with sixteen mistresses and ten bastard children. But at Tufts University, and to the Greek community, he is known in a different way: as Grover “The Rover,” or “Schmover,” “Ben Dover” Cleveland, the fraternity legend. While Grover Cleveland has undoubtedly left a legacy of great proportions to the American public, the history of Grover “The Rover” has been largely swept under the rug, possibly in an attempt by his political opponents to erase how awesome he was, as well as by those who want to destroy the rich tradition of Greek life at Tufts.

Red Bull Narrator: GROVER THE ROVER CLEVELAND WAS A BADASS BRO. Grover Cleveland left a legacy of ENORMOUS proportions. When Grover Cleveland joined Phi Beta Rho, better known as PBR, back in 1887, Greek life was greatly divided. At the time, only rich white guys from New England were allowed to join, and Grover Cleveland was from New Jersey. So when he went to go rush PBR, he was looked at suspiciously. But GROVER THE ROVER DID NOT BACK DOWN. Instead, he CHALLENGED THEM, MANO A MANO.

Morgan Freeman: We will now provide a glimpse of what Grover Cleveland did at Phi Beta Rho.

 

(Historical Re-enactment Scene)

 

Phi Beta Rho President, William Smith Johnson IV: “Well, well, well, look who we have here. Tell me, mister, what is your name, SIR.”

Other PBR Kids Laughing Snarkily: “Hahahahaha.”

Grover: “I am Grover Cleveland, sir.”

WSJ IV: “Did you say Ben Dover?”

Grover: “No. I am Grover.”

Background voice: “What’s that? Schmover?”

Grover: “My name is Grover. And I guarantee that I can out-chug any of you New England pussies.”

Red Bull Narrator: He called the head of PBR a pussy,right to his face. To a man like William Smith Johnson IV, in that era, that must have been a serious affront to his manhood. So WSJ IV was forced to accept this challenge.

Morgan Freeman: The challenge was held in the basement of Phi Beta Rho, a basement not everyone came back from. PBR was notorious for its basement, which, at its scariest,
supposedly included caged tigers, beer, and a medieval torture device used in the Spanish inquisition.

Red Bull Narrator: But Grover Cleveland, just like the late, great, Tom Petty (R.I.P.) DID NOT BACK DOWN. He walked into that basement like a champ. A PBR member named
Millard took out two large pitchers of beer, approximately 40 oz, and dropped them on the table.

“Just a minute, Millard,” said WSJ IV. “You know I need to play my psych-up music.” Millard put Beethoven’s 4th Symphony into the record player. “Damn, this is lit,” said WSJ IV.
“You know what to do, Millard.”

Millard took a step towards the table and sang one of those old, shitty fight songs that the a capella groups of today still sing. Then, he chanted, “1…2…3… Drink PBR!”

Red Bull Narrator: The brothers screamed in the background, as William Smith Johnson IV had jumped early, starting at 2. Although he got off to a lead, he could not match the
sheer drinking prowess of Grover Cleveland. Grover caught up to him quickly, and as they were chanting CHUG, Grover kept going hard, while WSJ IV had to go back for 3 more gulps. Grover had never chugged this much beer all at once before, but his willpower kept him going, and when he finished the pitcher, he slammed it down on the table in celebration; WSJ IV could only look on in shock.

“Aaaay!” the brothers screamed. They then turned their eyes to WSJ IV. “Feed him to the tigers!” shouted one of the brothers.

“No, put this douche in the chamber!” screamed Millard. “NOOOO!” screamed WSJ IV in a high voice. As the mob yelled at him, William Smith Johnson ran up the stairs and out the door crying.

Millard walked up to Grover Cleveland and gave him a high five. “We welcome you, Brother Grover ‘The Rover’ Cleveland.

“I made it!” screamed a happy Grover Cleveland.

Morgan Freeman: Grover Cleveland’s induction into the PBR fraternity was a turning point in its history, as it soon opened its doors to rich white men all over the country. Grover himself inducted 11 brothers from his home state of New Jersey, where his rest stop now lays. Grover even sold the torture chamber to make it a more welcoming place for women, and was well on his way to establishing his legacy as a fraternity legend and future American president.

Red Bull Narrator: Tune in next week to see more of Grover Cleveland, Fraternity Legend and American Badass.