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Exiled: The Comprehensive Guide to Living in a Double

So everyone knows that being sexiled is being kicked out of your room so that your roommate can have sex with the person of their choosing. Many of us have been on the receiving end of this predicament, as some lucky bastards have roommates nice enough to let them do it (I’m looking at you, Sam). But did you know that there are plenty of other definitely, totally, clearly valid reasons to banish your roommate? Here are a few that you should know in the very likely case that you’ll need to use them.

  • Masturbexiled: When you’re so horny that you exile your roommate to get off alone.
  • Fakeziled: A variation of masturbexiled, when your roommate sexiles you so often that to get back at them you say they’re sexiled, but who are you kidding, you can’t get anyone to fuck your ugly, lonely, horny ass, so you masturbate instead. Pro tip: If you’re going to make noise to make it convincing, make sure that your roommate isn’t standing outside your door when you come out alone.
  • Pornexiled: When you kick your roommate out to film a sex tape because college is hard and expensive, so you’ve decided to make your debut in porn.
  • IBSexiled: When you have a stomachache bad enough that you have to get rid of your roommate in order to curl up on your side in bed and fart in peace.
  • Existential Crexiled: When you collapse on you floor in a puddle of profoundness as you realize that life is pointless and nothing is real, so maybe it really doesn’t matter whether or not you banish your roommate for this one. They can’t judge you if they don’t exist outside your mind, right?
  • Grexiled: When they almost permanently exile themself out of the Union of your room, but then decide not to because their economy is too shit.
  • Brexiled: When they do permanently exile themself from the Union because when you bring your friends over they complain about having to bear the burden of taking in too many “immigrants.”
  • Southernexiled: When you don’t know they’re from the south and talk so much crap about southerners that they secede from your Union.
  • Sex Toxiled: When your roommate walks in on you cleaning your vast collection of kinky sex toys and banishes themself in order to beg the RA/FYA for a room change out of mortal fear that they’ll walk in on you using them.
  • Texmexiled: like IBSexiled but it’s your fault.
  • Inquisexiled: When the Spanish Inquisition pops in unannounced and demands the use of your room to torture prisoners.
  • TEMSiled: When your roommate comes back so fucked up you gotta TEMS them so you don’t have wake them up every five minutes to make sure they’re still alive.
  • Reversexiled: When your significant other was going to spend the night, but sexiles you to fuck your roommate instead.
  • Dewickshiled: When you don’t want your roommate to know that you’re a Carm-hating traitor because you have the Dewickshits.
  • Dakimakurexiled: When they start making out with their anime body pillow in their sleep and it freaks you out so much that you tell them that they either have to exile themself or the pillow.