The 8 Freshman Boys You’ll Encounter In Your Dorm

Features | September 9, 2017
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Billy

  • “u up?”
  • Thinks the moon is a conspiracy
  • Turns read receipts on when he doesn’t want to reply to you
  • Has large quartz crystals in room to “align his chakras”
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Todd

  • Has a foot fetish
  • “Allergic” to untrimmed female pubes
  • Pees during shower sex
  • Mom was a lax house biddie
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Karl

  • Still collects silly bandz
  • Blogs about “My Little Pony” on his 2003 Dell laptop
  • Has to call mom to ask where she put his underwear during orientation week
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Douglas

  • Only reads lesbian smut
  • Tells people his appendicitis scar is a hickey he got as a kid
  • Currently growing patchy mutton chops
  • Does a separate load of laundry for his banana hammocks
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Jyaydyeyn

  • “The y is silent”
  • Microwaves plastic
  • Started a screamo band in his dorm room
  • “Practice is at 2:30am Wednesdays come join, bro.”
  • Tells girls to smile more
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Jamal

  • Scared of refrigerators
  • Always uses hot sauce but won’t eat chicken tikka masala because it’s “spicy”
  • Plucks his eyebrows using the snapchat dog filter
  • Does a separate load of laundry for his banana hammocks
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Levi

  • Only owns books big enough to hide his stash of weed in
  • Slightly moist hands, no matter what season
  • Buys organic produce exclusively from 7-11
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Tyler

  • Has an alarm at 4:19 on his phone twice a day just so he can snapchat “420 blaze it”
  • Takes pride in the number of dirty dishes under his bed