The 8 Freshman Boys You’ll Encounter In Your Dorm
Billy
- “u up?”
- Thinks the moon is a conspiracy
- Turns read receipts on when he doesn’t want to reply to you
- Has large quartz crystals in room to “align his chakras”
Todd
- Has a foot fetish
- “Allergic” to untrimmed female pubes
- Pees during shower sex
- Mom was a lax house biddie
Karl
- Still collects silly bandz
- Blogs about “My Little Pony” on his 2003 Dell laptop
- Has to call mom to ask where she put his underwear during orientation week
Douglas
- Only reads lesbian smut
- Tells people his appendicitis scar is a hickey he got as a kid
- Currently growing patchy mutton chops
- Does a separate load of laundry for his banana hammocks
Jyaydyeyn
- “The y is silent”
- Microwaves plastic
- Started a screamo band in his dorm room
- “Practice is at 2:30am Wednesdays come join, bro.”
- Tells girls to smile more
Jamal
- Scared of refrigerators
- Always uses hot sauce but won’t eat chicken tikka masala because it’s “spicy”
- Plucks his eyebrows using the snapchat dog filter
- Does a separate load of laundry for his banana hammocks
Levi
- Only owns books big enough to hide his stash of weed in
- Slightly moist hands, no matter what season
- Buys organic produce exclusively from 7-11
Tyler
- Has an alarm at 4:19 on his phone twice a day just so he can snapchat “420 blaze it”
- Takes pride in the number of dirty dishes under his bed