Advice

How To Make Friends in College

Let’s be honest: you had one, maybe two really good friends in high school, and both of them were made and maintained by convenience and a lack of outward hatred. Everyone’s been there. But college has always been sold as that golden time to make those life long friends you were told summer camp would give you. Here are some tips on how to best befriend some late stage denarians (fancy speak for teen; big words show your superiority and make others flock to your intelligence!).

  1. Establish a catchphrase. If you need a surefire way to be remembered by your peers, being “that idiot who made up his own catchphrase” is a great way to be noticed! We all watched this season of The Bachelorette, we all made fun of “Whaboom.” But didn’t it work? We all give ourselves whiplash saying “Whaboom” and we all remember that shithead too.
  2. Become the human phone book. A phone book is an antiquated collection of jaundiced piss-colored pages that used to hold all the phone numbers, and you can become that urine-looking friend! Get everyone’s phone numbers during orientation week, make a big chat called “Squaaa” or some other 2014 friend group name, and ask every five minutes when people are going to Dewick. Everyone’s afraid of being alone in Dewick.
  3. Be active on the class Facebook page. Every class year has their Facebook page kiddos, why not be the shining and sinning representative for all the questions your cohort is too exasperated to ask? Once all of the aggravation at notifications wears off, people will still know your name.
  4. Ask people about themselves. If you’re not inclined to be the dick getting himself noticed and heard everywhere they go, this one is for you. All you have to do is ask how people’s days are going and actually pay attention to the response. Be a decent friend. In the words of one piece of shit on Reddit, “Got inspired by a line from Fight Club and started consciously listening to people when they talk rather than just waiting for my turn to speak.”

Go out there and get noticed, kiddo!