The Signs as Middle School Albums

Advice | April 14, 2017

Aries: Loud by Rihanna. This album featured hits like “California King Bed” that you had to listen to about twice before realizing it might have something to do with sex and another three times before realizing it’s about HEARTBREAK. Other hits include: “S&M,” “What’s My Name,” and “Love the Way You Lie (Part II).”

Taurus: A Little Bit Longer by the Jonas Brothers. This album is home to the classic “Burnin’ Up” that your one friend Katie could do the whole rap verse to while you yelled “RED DRESS” as an echo. Other hits: “Tonight,” “Pushin’ Me Away,” and diabetes jam “A Little Bit Longer.”

Gemini: THE E.N.D. (THE ENERGY NEVER DIES) by The Black Eyed Peas. If you’re not still using “2000-late” you probably WERE 200-late. Hits include: “Boom Boom Pow,” “Rock That Body,” “Imma Be,” and “I’ve Got a Feeling.”

Cancer: WANT by 3OH!3. Every single song title on this album is in caps and there are no spaces between words but hey, that probably turned 13-year-old you on just a little. And be honest, “if he says he’s got beef, I’m a vegetarian so I ain’t fuckin’ scared of him,” is still the best insult in the whole world. One hit wonder album tbh.

Leo: The Fame Monster by Lady Gaga. This is the Gaga album, like the “Bad Romance,” “Alejandro,” “LoveGame,” “Poker Face” album. How many “Ra x16” memes came out in 2009? Too many, probably. Also all hail the phrase “disco stick.”

Virgo: B.o.B. Presents: The Adventures of Bobby Ray by B.o.B. Author’s note, “Airplanes” and “Magic” ruined a good deal of 2010 for me (and I’m sure some of you) because it’s riiiight when you were discovering non-pop music and the lyrics of these songs alone made you one of those “ugh I HATE music today” kids.

Libra: Ocean Eyes by Owl City. Mostly notable for “Fireflies,” this moody synthy piece awoke that techno alt vibe in you, which now reminds you of sad Marian Hill. Neat. Other notable hits from the album include “Vanilla Twilight” and the music video for “Fireflies” which was just the SINGLE MEMBER of Owl City alone angstily.

Scorpio: The Fray by The Fray. Such a Scorpio album, just so full of betrayal and a convoluted sense of vengeance. Contained the song responsible for the bio of every pre-teen having their first brush with emotions, “You Found Me.” Other hits include “Absolute” and “Never Say Never;” just a palette of missed opportunity.

Sagittarius: Doo Wops and Hooligans by Bruno Mars. If this album didn’t illuminate your uncomfortably lanky soul upon its release in 2010, you are fake news. “Just The Way You Are” gave a voice to the dozens of kind middle school boys trying to woo middle school girls before One Direction totally stole their thunder. Other jams: “Marry You,” “The Lazy Song,” and “Count on Me” (the most wholesome track ever).

Capricorn: My World by Justin Bieber. This is the album that launched the boy who somehow skipped straight from coconut head preteen to DUI twenty-something. Bieber’s debut revealed whether you were to become an avid consumer of Pop Hunk culture or a fervent cynic who was ignited by blind hate for the Biebs. “One Time,”  “One Less Lonely Girl,” and “Love Me” were the presumptive hits the 13-year-old released here.

Aquarius: Animal by Ke$ha. “Tik Tok” was the song that made you feel big for the first time because you learned what “Jack” was! And that throwing up glitter was exciting! Day long alcohol binges are a sign of a glittery life, a lesson middle school you didn’t need but bed-ridden present-day-you definitely needs. See also: “Your Love is My Drug,” and “Take it Off.”

Pisces: Teenage Dream by Katy Perry. The female answer to the “You’re pretty without makeup and polish!” culture, Perry’s album made love feel not only relatable and attainable to your snot nose, but it made it a road-trip-esque high risk lifestyle. Daisy dukes, fireworks, passing out in the yard, but for love! This album brought “feeling like a plastic bag” into the vernacular #grateful.