A Treatise on Twilight

Features | April 14, 2017

In a small overachieving town in Connecticut, Whitney Green’s mother started her in SAT classes no less than 4 years before she would take that fateful exam. This is her award-winning practice essay.


In this day and age, hotties with bodies are always put at each others’ throats by the Fandom. In the Twilight series, those hotties are literally at each others’ throats all the time because in the Literature they are enemies, enemies who are connected by blood because one will drink it and the other will spill it and because that is beauty. I think that it is a travesty that there has yet to have been written a comprehensive paper about the comparison of the two pinnacles of manhood. It is a truth universally acknowledged that, although Taylor Lautner is empirically hotter, Bella will always love Edward, her sparkly prince.

Bella will always love Edward, as I believe she should. Here’s the deal. I am a big fan of the Edwardian era. It was definitely the best era. I am what you would call an Anglophile. I like the Classics, you see, because I am an enlightened individual. And the Amazingness of the Edwardian era truly encapsulates the point that I am trying to make with this essay. Even also how pale people were back then. Plus, meeting Mr. Darcy would have been pretty cool because I am basically Elizabeth Bennet except I also have eyeliner that my mom said I could wear once I turned 13 so honestly, like, who’s he gonna go for? Plus I got to get a second piercing for my birthday so suck it. Suck it like a veiny popsicle. My favorite fanfic called Edward’s penile instrument that very term once. My friend Jenna told me that that’s accurate. She gave a blowjob to her camp boyfriend on a lifeguard chair at the beach. So she would know. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that obviously the enlightened children like myself who really understand the Twilight series know that obviously Bella will never leave Edward and why would she? He’s a vampire. He literally always watches her even when she sleeps, which is the most romantic thing ever. I want someone to watch me. I want someone to almost commit suicide because I got mad at them for almost killing me. Also what even was New Moon it was so random. [AN: You know what else was random? I told my friend that she was a vampire and then she ate raw meat and her eyes totally changed and I think that my life is Twilight for real.] In conclusion, Edward is the perfect boyfriend, gentleman, and soulmate, and I think that the people who ship Bella with Jacob over him despite the facts of the Canon are just plain unintelligent.

On the other hand, Taylor Lautner, the actor by whom Jacob Black is played, is undeniably more attractive in body and face. Not to mention, of course, the Main Event which in my humble opinion can be renamed the Mane Event: how Taylor Lautner cut his hair and all of a sudden returned to his shark boy levels of Hot. So here’s the deal. You and I both know that Bella is not into that. Warmth and happiness and whatever. She has legitimately never wanted to be with Jacob and it honestly baffles me how people forget that. I mean come on. That being said, Robert Pattinson peaked as Cedric and we can all see why Taylor Swift hopped on that Jacob train. They get froyo together. That is true love. Well, Edward and Bella have True love. Again, another example of the many reasons why Jacob and Bella can Never be together. In conclusion, Taylor Lautner is way hot and definitely hotter than RPatz, but that is never enough in Love.

In conclusion, I believe that I have flawlessly demonstrated my point that T money is, in fact the most attractive of the leads in the Twilight series but that that kind of shallow thinking is exactly why this Fandom gets such a bad rep from, like, everyone. True Love is a beautiful thing, and so is waiting till marriage. Thank you.

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