Aries: An inflammation of the upper lymph nodes is often indicative of elephantitis, known as an enlargement of an area of the body. Though it commonly affects limbs, it originates from obstructions in your lymphatic system, in other words lymph nodes! So congrats, your sore throat could mean neck testicles the size of baseballs!

Taurus: Some acidic foods, namely fruits and veggies, induce what’s called an oral allergy. This basically means your body is a little bitch when it comes into contact with a goddamn kiwi or some shit. So maybe don’t get the pico on your next Chipotle burrito, alright compadre?

Gemini: Your whole brain and liver could be swollen! A disease commonly called Reye’s syndrome occasionally comes with a cold or flu as a symptom, so that sore throat could make your party hardy weekend a bit of a downer. Call up the sorority, tell them you’ll be sober sister or something. Then again, another symptom is sleepiness so maybe you’re better off watching Netflix in a quilt.

Cancer: No, not throat cancer. The stars aren’t that direct, dumbass. Did ya know you could get a sore throat from stress? So stop thinking about the potential life threatening conditions your food tube pain is dealing with!

Leo: You definitely are afflicted with the nefarious Croup, which sounds like a Scandinavian captain of a sports team in a Mighty Ducks franchise but is actually a respiratory problem known for a “barking cough.” A devastating side effect of this disorder is a tendency for the soreness and barking cough to cause a Tim Allen like transformation to a Shaggy Dog, so monitor your reactions to knocking, doorbells, and strangers.

Virgo: Tonsillitis. Does the back of your throat look like a spider came all over it? Then congrats, it’s probably tonsillitis. Or you ate out that tarantula one too many times to get it to stop crawling behind your bed. Quid pro quo, guys.

Libra: A sore throat is one of many symptoms of HIV entering the body! More than half of those who acquire HIV through some ~fun and crazy means~ experience cold and flu-like symptoms. Get ready to learn the low part to “Seasons of Love”, because Rent is all you’ve got going for you now!

Scorpio: You could be faking it and not know it, with Factitious disorder! This basically means that your bodily and throat pains are subconscious lashings out due to deep-rooted needs for attention. If that sounds ridiculous to you and you want a second opinion, that makes sense. It’s exactly what someone with Factitious disorder would say.

Sagittarius: This fun little number is called Lemierre’s syndrome, which is when bacteria can flourish in the jugular vein creating a big ass abscess. Not to be confused with Lumiere’s syndrome, when your fingers spurt fire at random intervals and your French accent becomes amazing.

Capricorn: Over-exercising sometimes can lead to your body literally shutting down in protest. Yeah. So next time you’re home on break and your great aunt comments about how “round” your face looks, smile and remember that she’s a silly bitch who knows far less about fitness than you do.

Aquarius: It could be the flu. Bird Flu, that is, which is spread by airborne droplets. So basically if you’ve breathed near a bird in this lifetime, you could have good old H5N1 which carries a mortality rate of 60%! It’s a flu the New York Times has famously called “devastating” and “not seen in the U.S. since 1929.”

Pisces: Ok fine this one IS throat cancer.