MEDFORD, MA: Judy Smith, a 40-year-old Medford local, has discovered a new trick for better skin. What is that trick, you ask? Is it perhaps applying chalk dust to your face? No. No, it isn’t. Well, then, could it be a specific diet? Wrong again! The trick, says Smith, is regularly making sacrifices to Satan.

Smith says she discovered the method shortly before her late husband’s tragic death two years ago in a freak ancestral-dagger-candles-and-chalk-pentagram accident.

“I was rooting around in the attic when I found a strange book,” she says.

The great thing about this trick, according to Smith, is that anyone can do it.“The most important thing to remember when dealing with the Son of Perdition is that it is a relationship based on reciprocity,” Smith says. “Really, what you need to sacrifice is determined by the scale of your skin troubles. Most people would expect him to be rather demanding, but for your basic dry skin to moderate rashes, all that needs to be sacrificed is something like a rabbit. Now, for something more serious, like acne—that would probably merit a small goat. And don’t even get me started on the price of leprosy.”

In fact, according to Smith, the most difficult part is the initial signing of the contract. “Most people would expect a contract with the Angel of the Bottomless Pit to be just like in the movies: something done in secret, with an ancestral blade and your blood. Now, that is the case (and ancestral blades are not cheap on Amazon, let me tell you), but what people would not expect is just how many signatories and witnesses are required. I mean, I understand the point of creating a legally binding contract for the eternal soul, but I would expect the Adversary to have streamlined the process a little more.”

Aside from the forms in six hundred-sixty-sextuplicate, however, Ms. Smith says that it’s an easy home remedy that anyone can use. “I recommended it to my dentist, and his eczema completely vanished! In fact, the next day, he called me on the phone and said, ‘Ave diabole, nos semper te salutamus.’ It sure is a pity about his son’s disappearance, though.”

Readers with any knowledge of the whereabouts of Clyde Anderson, 13, should contact the local police immediately. There are also, says Smith, some things to watch out for. “Most people would expect the Father of Lies to be unforgiving of mistakes. They would be right.” Smith says that readers planning to use this method should be sure to make sure the sacrifice is fresh. “I accidentally used a stale goat for my second sacrifice, and let me tell you, the Son of Wickedness was not happy about that. My neck is still sore from the flash of eternal torment he showed me,” Smith said, rotating her head 360 degrees.

It should be known that potential side effects of this skincare treatment may include eternal damnation, demonic possession, speaking in tongues, and migraines.

At press time Smith was seen chanting in Latin.