BOSTON, MA: In a move that has been called “long overdue” and “a triumph for New Englanders everywhere, except in Connecticut,” the “great” state of Connecticut has been voted out of New England by a 5-1 margin.  There was some concern as to whether the resolution would pass with the required two-thirds margin, however. Rhode Island had expressed some concern that this vote would set a bad precedent, and the Massachusetts delegation was late to the proceedings after engaging in a roadside brawl with a group of townies who allegedly cut the delegates off as they attempted to exit a rotary. However, the delegation managed to cast the deciding fourth vote, and Rhode Island, in a repeat of the ratification of the Constitution, made it unanimous.

The vote was hailed throughout the remaining five states.  “It’s about time,” said Ocean Moss of Burlington, VT, “Those pricks don’t even know what real maple syrup tastes like.  I hope they enjoy their Mrs. Buttersworth in the Mid-Atlantic.”

“Whose idea was it to put a state full of people who like to pretend they’re from New York in New England?” asked Patricia Sullivan of Methuen, MA, “They put tomatoes in their chowder down there!  Good riddance.”  

“It’s a bit of a sad day, in my opinion,” said Anita Plummer of Providence, RI, “After all, Connecticut has been a part of New England since the 17th century, and their primarily maritime economy bound them to Rhode Island, Massachusetts, and Maine for much of that time.  That said, fuck them.”

“I would never let my son visit Connecticut.  Know why?  It’s because he’s allergic to wasp stings,” commented Jacob Rawson of Franklin, NH.  “Get it?  Because they’re so waspy down there?  That’s my little joke.  I am serious about not letting him go to Connecticut, though, and I’m a pretty permissive parent in general.  In fact, I think he and his buddies are cooking meth in the basement right now.”

SEE ALSO: Obituaries: Jacob Rawson, 1967-2016

“One down, four to go is how I see it,” said a man who would only identify himself as Fitzy from Woburn,  “Christ, they root for the fuckin’ Yankees down there.  Fuck ‘em all, and fuck Bucky fuckin’ Dent, too.”

Many Connecticutians were also pleased by this news.  “I didn’t even know we were associated with those Northern swine,” said Montgomery Livingston of Greenwich, CT. “We don’t spend much time at home anyway. Little Huxley is always traveling the world on his U3 Polo team, and I’m simply too busy with my business connections and my responsibilities as the president of the USNFST. That’s the United States National Fart-Sniffing Team, as I’m sure you didn’t know.”

Some people throughout New England, however, were upset by the news. Said Francis Nadeau of Oakland, ME, “I don’t like it. I think it puts Maine in the running for worst state in New England. I mean, we’re run by a man who blames all of our problems on minorities from Connecticut, we’re having a heroin crisis, and we only have one city that’s not so run-down that kids aren’t chomping at the bit to leave. Maybe it’ll be good in the long run but I think it shines a very dark light on the state.”

“Don’t lump us honest, hard-working, north-eastern Connecticutians in with those assholes from the south,” said Brandon Foley of Suffield, CT “Their fart-sniffing teams barely ever make it out of Fairfield County”

As a result of this momentous vote, a grassroots movement has sprung up to divide Connecticut into sections that would join New York and Massachusetts. Though the criteria for how counties would be divided, there have been suggestions of using topics such as sports allegiances, general wealth, and the presence of the agricultural industry in the county. This idea seemed to please everyone except Fitzy, who went on an offensive rant degrading many minority and immigrant groups. When informed that we would not publish his statement, he demanded instead that we relay the story and use his replacement statement of “free speech is dead.”