Advice

BEATING YOUR MEAT: The Campus Guide to Masturbation

We at the Zamboni understand that masturbation isn’t all fun and tube socks. Here are a few tips to help you fire off some knuckle-children!

  1. Learn your roommate’s schedule to make sure you have sufficient alone time.
  2. Find a spot with a comfortable atmosphere – like your dorm room, or a coffee shop.
  3. Make the room temperature at least 86 degrees to maximize lubricity.
  4. If you’re looking for the perfect lubricant, we suggest Whole Foods® brand Blackstrap molasses.
  5. Start a group text with tons of people, then set your phone to vibrate and just go fucking nuts!
  6. For all the adventurous ladies: Japanese horseradishes pack plenty of kick, and some can grow up to six feet in length!
  7. Be sure to keep a few photos handy of your sixth grade teacher that kind of looked like your mom, in case the wifi ever goes out.
  8. Industrial strength velcro. ‘Nuff said.
  9. When lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.” – James 1:14