BEATING YOUR MEAT: The Campus Guide to Masturbation
We at the Zamboni understand that masturbation isn’t all fun and tube socks. Here are a few tips to help you fire off some knuckle-children!
- Learn your roommate’s schedule to make sure you have sufficient alone time.
- Find a spot with a comfortable atmosphere – like your dorm room, or a coffee shop.
- Make the room temperature at least 86 degrees to maximize lubricity.
- If you’re looking for the perfect lubricant, we suggest Whole Foods® brand Blackstrap molasses.
- Start a group text with tons of people, then set your phone to vibrate and just go fucking nuts!
- For all the adventurous ladies: Japanese horseradishes pack plenty of kick, and some can grow up to six feet in length!
- Be sure to keep a few photos handy of your sixth grade teacher that kind of looked like your mom, in case the wifi ever goes out.
- Industrial strength velcro. ‘Nuff said.
- “When lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.” – James 1:14