Advice

Ask A Real Doctor

Q: Why are there white spots on my feet? They don’t hurt or anything really but they are weird?

A: You may be suffering from a circulation disorder. Many young women are ailed by Raynaud’s disorder, which for unknown reasons causes blood vessels to contract in the feet. To avoid experiencing these symptoms, protect your feet by wearing thick socks. Alternatively, if the spots itch, it could be a common fungal infection. See your primary care provider about anti-fungal prescriptions.

-Ray Simmons, MD.

Q: the breastmilk my wife stored in the fridge smells off, but it’s only been 3 days. Is it safe to drink?

A:  Breast milk is best if consumed within 3-5 days when refrigerated. To keep it fresh longer, you can freeze it. Note however that breast milk that has been thawed will be good for only 24 hours, and attempting to refreeze will render it unfit for consumption.  For more information about the benefits of breast milk, consult your local lactation consultant. Additionally, recent studies have shown that for best results, pour lait de sein into an ice tray with toothpicks and a small sprinkling of brown sugar. Serve the next day for frozen delight!

-Gloria Weint, MD

Q: i acidently gotta booger in my vagine and im worried i might be pregnant!! how do i tell my parents?

A: Frankly, a booger would not get you pregnant unless it was soaked in cum first. Did your boyfriend cum up your nose and then you picked it? You should be more responsible and get on birth control; you can’t expect every boy you snort-blow to use a condom.

-Tyler Manson, MD

Q: Why do I get wet when stuffing myself with rocks???? I cant stop these cravings!!! Plz help!!!!!

A: I’m not sure what you mean. Are the rocks from the ocean?

-Emil Jackson, PhD in Psycholinguistics

Q: i am feeling big and stinky. is it becuz my pits are green?

A: The stinky part is likely due to your green pits, but the big part could have other causal factors. Try putting your pits out in the sun to dry. If you live in a cold climate, find a local tanning salon. You may be big because you recently wished upon Zoltar to make you Big (1988) and you are Tom Hanks. Are you Tom Hanks?

-Marcia Gutierrez, MD

Q: Big Johnny won’t stop it with the big wedgies. We’ve been dating for 3 weeks and I think my friends are starting the notice the constant cameltoe. I usually don’t mind the sensation and Big Johnny says I’ll get used to it and learn to love the pleasure, but I’m concerned that something is growing in my nether-regions.

A: It sounds like you and Big Johnny need to have a conversation about boundaries when it comes to undy-play. Too much yanking can stretch out your bloomers and cause the part that normally covers your tush to carry microbes and fecal matter further up front. Ask your primary care provider about treatment for a UTI. If Big Johnny won’t change his ways, then purchase some more flexible undergarments. Happy yanking!

-Karen Clint, PhD in Marketing

Q:   i can’t believe it made me finish. she took me back to her hotel and threw her jeans at me before she wrapped her creamy legs around mine and made me wriggle. then she motioned for me to help her so i plowed my face into her. when I came up for air shed started to unzip her skin-suit, revealing that she was a giant ant. her antennae tickled as they brushed against my abdomen when her mandible gripped my lips. i cried out in pain but she kept chomping. and then i came. is there something wrong with me that i like ants?

A: What else can you tell me about this giant ant lady? Just how did she acquire a skin suit? Was the skinsuit real and if so was it from one woman or from parts? What color was the mandible and did it differ from that of the carapace? Did you see below the head or did she leave most of the skin-suit on the whole time? Where did you find her? Did she show any interest in your anus, or pay any attention to your clitoris? Do you think she would be open to experimenting with men?

-Grant Johnston, PhD in Myrmecology

Q: I can’t get rigid when I’m livid. I used to hate-fuck my partner regularly, but lately something’s different. Usually when we’re getting ready I start screeching until my entire body turns red, and my heart really gets pumping. Then my Buddy starts getting ready. My Buddy grows arms of his own, and raises them up to reveal they have developed claws. His opening becomes a mouth with leech-like teeth, out of which comes more screeching. My partner is usually pretty close at this point. But starting a few days ago, we get to here and everything just stops. My Little Buddy is no longer the scraping, clawing, tearing, ragemaster he used to be. He just gets sad. How can I cheer him up? My partner might leave me if I don’t Give the Hate with my Little Buddy.

A: Your body may be reacting to the constant stress of having to increase your blood pressure by forcing a depressant reaction. There is a surgery to counteract this condition, but I’m afraid it will leave you permanently livid and rigid. If you’re ready for that, then you may seek a referral to a qualified surgeon from your primary care provider. Note that not all insurance plans cover this procedure and you may need to go abroad to find an affordable price; otherwise, your partner may need to accept that your body can no longer sustain the rage-energy needed to summon devil-babies. You may need to use a similarly shaped object as the conduit instead in order to satisfy your partner.

-Shint Whistler, MD