*FIRST, mandate The Simpsons as the national TV show.
*SECOND, Move the capital to Anchorage, Alaska. Vladimir and Donald have fostered such a close relationship that this only makes sense.
*THIRD, come up with a military plan to reclaim California after Calexit.
*FOURTH, bring down the wall that Canada has built on our borders. Such actions are not acceptable. Justin Trudeau may be attractive but he can’t do that.
*FIFTH, neutralize and provide American citizenship to Eddie Redmayne.
*SIXTH, ban the abusive treatment of zoo animals – especially of gorillas.
*SEVENTH, repeal and replace Obamacare Act
*EIGHTH, reinstate the Eighteenth Amendment
*NINTH, work on bettering Make America Great Act
* TENTH, end the Patriots’ dominance in the AFC East and the NFL by suspending Brady for 2 years.
*ELEVENTH, make Madonna great again
*TWELFTH, lift restrictions on the production of $50 trillion dollars’ worth of American energy reserves, including shale, oil, natural gas and clean coal.
*THIRTEENTH, restrict government student loans
*FOURTEENTH, make the molestation of trash cans banned (ban the molestation of trash cans)
*FIFTEENTH, make tattooing illegal unless it is done for medical purposes
*SIXTEENTH, protect the Second Amendment by legalizing water guns on New Year’s Eve in Cambodia
*SEVENTEENTH, divert all the National Institutes of Health funding to discover the answer to whether the chicken or the egg came first
*EIGHTEENTH, instate Tinder Extra Swipe Tax Act
*NINETEENTH, all names must sound “American.” The rules for American names will be published later.
*TWENTIETH, end funding for Planned Parenthood. Condoms, however, will be provided free to everyone.
*TWENTY-FIRST, ban vaccination