News

Tufts’ Spring Sports Teams to Face Medford Elementary Schools

Tufts Athletic Director John Morris has announced that all of Tufts‘ Spring Sports teams will take a break from their string of NESCAC and Division 3 games this April to face off against various Medford elementary schools. The baseball and softball teams will play Columbus Elementary in Mystic Lake Park. The track and tennis athletes will take on McGlynn Elementary student-athletes, and the Tufts men’s and women’s lax teams will play the up-and-coming powerhouse of elementary lacrosse, Roberts Elementary School. “I think that these games will give us a chance to establish a great, competitive rivalry with schools very close to us in geographic proximity,” said Morris. We play NESCAC schools as far away as New York and Maine, but there is competition just as good right down the street that we have ignored for years. It’s about time that we made a change.”

Perhaps no one is more excited than the Columbus Elementary School baseball coach, Fred Washup. Washup made a bold prediction yesterday during a press conference, in which he said, “Oh, we gonna beat these guys, trust me. We’re the best elementary school in Medford, I think we can handle a bunch of hipsters at a liberal arts college who pretend that they can swing a bat. You know, I was in the Red Sox minor league system back in the day when real baseball was played, and let me tell you, I’ve got kids who can swing the bat like Willie Mays. They gonna beat the shit out of these guys who like playing with balls.” When asked about his coach’s prediction, Medford 5th Grade star Abe Slugger invoked his coach’s word, and said “We gonna kick the butts of these nerds who play with balls. We gonna eat them like they ice cream.” Tufts baseball coach John Casey re- sponded simply with, “We like to do our talking on the field.” He then dropped the microphone.

The lacrosse games also look to be very competitive. The Morris Elementary boys have a starting lineup known as “The third grade murderers row,” but Tufts fields a deep lineup which has won two consecutive D3 NCAA Championships. When asked about the upcoming game, Tufts forward Ryan Edgar Lax said, “Well, bro, we just gotta go out there and do our thing bro. These third graders are pretty beast dudes, but we just gotta go out there and play lax like always. You want a hit, bro?” The Morris elementary girls team features 1st grade sensation Pearl Akino, who has averaged 10 goals a game in the Pee-Wee league of greater Boston. We sent Pearl an email asking her to comment on the upcoming matchup with Tufts, but instead her mom responded and told us that Pearl still didn’t know how to read or write very well. It appears that she is fully dedicated to lacrosse, and is not letting the media distract her from her upcoming matchup.

Tufts sports team have done really well this year, but can they take on the challenge of Medford’s finest 6-10 year old athletes? We will find out soon.