Do you ever think about dinosaurs? We, the

staff of the Zamboni, often ponder the existence

of these two-to-four legged/winged monsters

while we take our morning dump. With the

Daily’s sports section spread out in front of our

feet, tantalizing like a middle-aged woman’s

apron pocket, it’s hard not to fantasize about

big, sweaty creatures meandering on the very

ground upon which our hallowed campus now

sits.

 

But despite the green scales that Tony Monaco

undoubtedly sheds each time he changes his

skin to impress the latest group of prospective

students, his reptilian demeanor frankly has

nothing on the life forms that our Cosmic Cre-
ator once put forth on Earth. So, dear readers,

here is a chance for you to cast off your spongy,

fleshy outside and adopt the prehistoric charm

of something much cooler than you:

 

Triceratops

You’ve been feeling a bit horny lately, and no

one can blame you. All three of your recent

boyfriends have turned out to be unfaithful, and

despite your biological urges, you’re finding it

hard to get a new beau you can trust. Before you

build up your defenses too much, remember

that not all dinos are out to break your heart. So

stay away from those cheating carnivores, and

instead, focus your emotions on a fellow herbi-
vore that won’t hesitate to toss your salad.

 

T-Rex

You’re the big man on campus, and you aren’t

afraid to let anyone know it. You get mad pussy

every weekend and can hold your Apple Ciroc

down like a true champ (bless up!) But behind

that hard exterior and giant set of grotesque

teeth, you’re really just a softie looking for a lady

lizard to snuggle up with for some Netflix and

Kill. You’re looking everywhere for “the one,”

and she’ll come along soon. All you have to do

is stand tall, wipe the blood off your face, and

show off that dazzling smile next time you’re

out on the plateau—all the beauties will be sure

to fall head over claws for you!

 

Brontosaurus

You don’t have trouble holding on to a hookup,

because your neck game is strong. And while

your gait may be slow, you want things to start

moving a little faster. But you’re finding it dif-
ficult to choose which prehistoric hottie you

want to get more serious with. Like your chop-
pers, we’ll be blunt—pick one now, or you’ll find

yourself at the tail end of your life with no one

by your ginormous side. So start figuring out

which lovely will hatch the best eggs for you,

and lock her down!

 

Velociraptor

At this point, your love life is practically non-
existent. You don’t understand why all your po-
tential suitors are scared away, but chalk it up to

being too intelligent to connect with the low-
lives in the jungle. When it comes to IQ, you are

certainly at the top of the pack. But try being a

little more open to companionship, and you’ll

find that the guys won’t be running away any

more. Even if it doesn’t work out, you’ve always

got your own super long fingers to fall back on.