9:02 AM – Police responded to a call at Dewick-MacPhie Dining Hall because of a violent dispute between two males. One of these men said that the other had stolen the last hash brown from him, claiming it was an unforgivable offense.
10:17 AM – Fire trucks were called to the front of the Campus Center to rescue a cat stuck on a low branch of a tree. Although those who called could have easily rescued the cat themselves, they reported that they had seen enough TV to know that the fire department always handles those situations.
10:37 AM – TEMS arrived at the scene of an incident involving a “hoverboard,” three flights of stairs, and a badly placed tennis ball. However, the victim was refused treatment as hoverboards have been banned from Tufts campus.
11:43 AM – The police received a call about a book stolen from the library. An investigation into its whereabouts is currently underway, and anyone who sees the missing copy of It’s the Motion of the Ocean, Not the Size of the Boat: Living with a Micropenis is urged to report it immediately to the authorities.
12:24 PM – Emergency personnel responded to an urgent call at the intersection of Packard Avenue and Professor’s Row. According to witnesses, the Tufts Shuttle hit three pedestrians as they crossed the street. Detectives are dumbfounded, however, as the schedule puts this shuttle in Davis Square at that time.
3:13 PM – Police were called to Bendetson Hall by the Dean of Admissions, Lee Coffin, who reportedly saw a ghost and panicked. Experts suggest it may be psychosis caused by the guilt of all the rejection letters he has had to send.
4:17 PM – The Navy, Marines, NASA, TUPD, and all the scientists from CERN were contacted when the Experimental Physics Lab at 574 Boston Avenue accidentally created a black hole. The situation was resolved when an un-
dergraduate pointed out that, in fact, someone just turned the lights off accidentally.
11:54 PM – Police and TEMS were called for an alcohol-related incident near Houston Hall. Two students were brought to the emergency room, but not for alcohol poisoning. These students had set up a “Slip-n-Slide,” but instead of water they used whiskey. They are being treated for eye-related injuries as well as third-degree plastic burns.