Advice

Horoscopes: What Classic Movie Monologue Will You Send to Your Tinder Match?

Aries: “They bought it. Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career and they never doubted it for a second. How could I possibly be expected to handle school on a day like this? This is my ninth sick day this semester. It’s getting pretty tough coming up with new illnesses. If I go for ten, I’m probably gonna have to barf up a lung, so I’d better make this one count. The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It’s a good non-specific symptom. I’m a big believer in it.”

Taurus: “This watch was on your daddy’s wrist when he was shot down over Hanoi. He was captured, put in a Vietnamese prison camp. He knew that if the gooks ever saw the watch, it’d be confiscated and taken away. The way your dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He’d be damned if any slope’s gonna put their greasy, yellow hands on his boy’s birthright, so he hid it in one place he knew he could hide something – his ass. Five long years he wore this watch up his ass. Then, he died of dysentery. He gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. Now, little man, I give the watch to you.”

Gemini: “You’re lying! I never hit you! You are tearing me apart, Lisa!” (*note: Tommy Wiseau’s loose grasp of the English language makes it so that any complete sentence is a monologue)

Cancer: “According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyways . Because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.”

Leo: “What do you want from me? Do you expect me to let you go? Do you expect me to let you take my children from me? Don’t you know me? Don’t you know that that’s an impossibility? That that could never happen? That I’d use all my power to keep something like that from happening? Don’t you know that? Kay, now in time, you’ll feel differently.”

Virgo: “I’ve never done this before, but you know, it is such a special night and you are such a great audience! And, and, I just really feel like I can talk to you, you know? So forget what you’ve read in the papers, and forget what you’ve heard on the radio because, because, because I’m gonna tell you the truth. Not that the truth really matters, but I’m gonna tell you anyway. In the bed department, Amos was…… zero. I mean, when he made love to me, it was like, it was like he was fixing a carburetor or something.”

Libra: “As I said before, I’ve allowed you to keep your wicked life for two reasons. And the second reason is so you can tell him in person everything that happened here tonight. I want him to witness the extent of my mercy by witnessing your deformed body. I want you to tell him all the information you just told me. I want him to know what I know. I want him to know I want him to know.”

Scorpio: “My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina. Yes, they don’t like hearing it and find it difficult to say whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his Johnson.”

Sagittarius: “Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80’s movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80’s movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life.”

Capricorn: “I know you look at me now and think, boy she must have breezed through high school. Not the case Annie. This was not easy going up and down the halls with. They used to try to blow me up. People used to throw firecrackers on my head in high school. Firecrackers, literally, not figuratively. They called me a freak. Do you think I let that stop me? Do you think I went home crying to my mommy, “Oh, I don’t have any friends.” I did not. You know what I did? I pulled myself up, I studied hard, I read every book in the library and now I work for the government and have the highest possible security clearance. Don’t repeat that. I cannot protect you. I know where all the nukes are and I know the codes.”

Aquarius: “I’d never given much thought to how I would die. But dying in the place of someone I love seems like a good way to go. So I can’t bring myself to regret the decision to leave home. I would miss Phoenix. I’d miss the heat. I would miss my loving, erratic, harebrained mother. And her new husband…but they want to go on the road, so I’m gonna spend some time with my dad, and this will be a good thing. I think. In the state of Washington, under a near constant cover of clouds and rain, there’s a small town named Forks. Population, 3,120 people. This is where I’m moving.”

Pisces: “I do not mean to pry, but you don’t by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand? My father was slaughtered by a six-fingered man. He was a great swordmaker, my father. And when the six-fingered man appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job. He slaved a year before he was done. The six-fingered man returned and demanded it, but at one-tenth his promised price. My father refused. Without a word, the six-fingered man slashed him through the heart. I loved my father, so, naturally, challenged his murderer to a duel … I failed … the six-fingered man did leave me alive with the six-fingered sword, but he gave me these. I was eleven years old.”