MEDFORD, MA – Turmoil in your personal life today as a summit of your closest friends and most respected mentors published a long awaited statement, concluding unequivocally that we hate you. The conference spanned several days, and included distinguished speakers such as your best friend, the teacher and father figure who helped you pass math, and your beloved childhood pet.
“We just feel that none of us can connect with you at a fundamental level,” wrote the person you have a crush on in a statement. “Through a measured process of discussion and mediation, we were able to determine that it’s not us, it’s you.” They went on to describe specific factors that lead them to this result, ultimately concluding that if it weren’t for your “simultaneously abrasive yet nonexistent personality,” your “deplorable moral values,” and your “pungent, unique personal odor,” they “might be able to get past [your] abnormally shaped genitalia and throw [you] a pity bone.”
“Many of us had a strong hypothesis going in, but we all tried to put our personal biases aside to focus only on the tangible facts” stated your mother. “As a result, we were able to academize and determine empirically many of the factors of our hatred. My panel focused on the exact moment when you became worthy of hatred.” A major result of this panel was the Pitbull Hatred Index, which defines our hatred as a spectrum. Using this innovative method, your mother and several distinguished scientists discovered that you were hated about 50 KiloBulls at the moment of your unplanned conception. Ever since then, your index has been rising at a more or less steady rate of 15 KiloBulls per year, with a margin of error of 8 DecoBulls.
But still, through the entire conference, there were some who urged discretion. They insisted that our inability to find a single positive aspect of your being was due only to insufficient micro-imaging technology. But even the most extreme skeptics fell silent when confronted with the overwhelming sea of hard evidence presented against you. That time when you made an off-color joke and thought nobody was listening, so you made it again—we were listening, and that person you were awkwardly hitting on is half black. Or when you said “you too” after a cashier told you to enjoy your meal—she went on to cry in the break room because she couldn’t afford to eat with her student loans. That time you stared for just a bit too long at the girl passing the other way—she noticed, and she thought it was really creepy.
Since they aren’t terrible, useless people like you are, the executive committee has issued a press release designed to make this announcement as painless for you as possible. They want to assure you that we can still be friends without you, and that cutting you out of our lives will have no negative impact on any of us whatsoever. They did their best to avoid insulting you directly in the statement; however they had to stress that nobody likes your music taste, and we all inwardly cringe when you put on a playlist. They were also forced to announce the results of a study finding a 97% similarity between you and a gaping asshole. They went on to explain the 3% discrepancy, stating that “assholes can’t be casually racist.”