Tufts announced a sweeping new overhaul of mail services today, responding to years of criticism from students regarding its inefficiency and poor organization. Beginning June 9th, mail services will become male services, a Tufts-exclusive male escort service. Anthony Monaco, along with Yolanda King and Idah, announced the changes at a press conference on Wednesday in Ballou Hall.

“We are excited to announce these sweeping optimizations for the way mail services will operate from now on. We’ve consulted with experts from a range of fields, including economics, communications, and sexology, and we firmly believe that these changes will carry male services into the 21st century.”

Student response to this reinvention was swift and polarized. Jason Jeffords, a sophomore in Cheese Club, had this to say: “I think that this change will eventually be for the best. I, for one, always had problems with retrieving my mail under the old system. From what I understand, retrieving my male under the new guidelines should be a painless and speedy affair.”

After the 9th, students entering Hill Hall from the rear will be greeted with a hot towel and a brochure of the day’s selections. Service will be by appointment only; the lines, subject of much ridicule and invective, will be a thing of the past. After making your selection, your male will be delivered to you within 2 minutes, guaranteed. The university expects a decrease in mail delivery of approximately 100%, but an increase in student satisfaction of 145%. We consulted Nancy Kimelman about the expected financial fallout of laundering the money from an expansive underground prostitution ring, and her outlook seemed sunny:

“Where the fuck am I gonna get my mail?”

We shared Nancy’s concern, as did the Society for Postal Advocacy. We caught up with their spokeswoman, Jennifer Jefferson, to see what her group had to say.
“We firmly believe that access to mail is more important than access to males. Eliminating Tufts’ connection to the United States Postal Service will be an irreparable wound to our bureaucratic ties with the United States government.”

Some journalistic sleuthing revealed that Jennifer’s grandmother recently mailed her $20 for her birthday, calling into question her true motives in her group’s lobbying endeavour.

We at the Zamboni wholeheartedly welcome this change, and we hope that the university embraces the newfound plethora of male prostitutes as the prostitutes will embrace their clients.