Note from the Editor: This string of emails arrived in The Zamboni’s inbox about two weeks ago. After our best computer techs broke the encryption on the file, we read it and decided that it needed to see the light of day. After Wikileaks refused to accept the file, we took it upon ourselves to ensure that this important document would still be available to the world.

From: provost@tufts.edu

To: michael.smith@tufts.edu

Subject: Office Hours with Provost Harris

Provost Harris will be holding monthly office hours on the Medford Campus. Office Hours are open to all members of the university community and no appointment is necessary. Attendees do not have to stay for the full hour.

From: provost@tufts.edu

To: michael.smith@tufts.edu

Subject: Office Hours with Provost Harris

Dearest members of the Tufts community, Provost David Harris here. I’d like to personally remind I’ll be holding a breakfast office hour this coming Monday on the Medford/Somerville campus. You’ve been cordially invited to this exclusive opportunity because a.) you have expressed to the office of the Provost your interest in attending my office hours, b.) you have previously attended my office hours and requested to be placed on this e-list, or c.) you are a valued member of the Tufts community. Due to limited seating, please please PLEASE hit up that RSVP to provost@tufts.edu by January 27th. If you forget to RSVP, I guess I could let it slide, if you know what I’m saying. Attendees do not have to be present for the full hour. But actually though, be there or be square, homeboys! xD

From: provost@tufts.edu

To: michael.smith@tufts.edu

Subject: Office hour and chill?

Dear Michael,

Mike. Mikey. Can I call you Mikey? Just wanted to give you the heads up that I, Provost David Harris will be holding a “Phunky Phresh” office hour which you should totally come to, this Sunday on the Medford/Somerville campus. We have everything you could ask for: strippers, cocaine, discussions about evolution of middle eastern economics, literally EVERYTHING. But only if you attend the office hour with me, Provost Harris. You don’t even have to be present for the full hour. Please.

Love,

David “Blazin’ Dave” Harris

From: provost@tufts.edu

To: michael.smith@tufts.edu

Subject: Office hour and chill?

Hey Mike,

You know what? Forget it. I didn’t even want you to come. The strippers didn’t even stay for the full hour. If you change your mind, you can come beg for my forgiveness this Friday on the Medford/Somerville campus, where I will be holding an office hour, open to all members of the Tufts community. Not that I want you to come or anything. Especially not for the full hour.

Love,

David

From: davetheblaze@gmail.com

To: michael.smith@tufts.edu

Subject: We need to talk

Michael,

Please. I miss you. I’m sorry for what I said. You know I didn’t mean it. It’s okay if you don’t want to come to office hours. I get it. You have better things to do. But you can’t just ignore me like this. Our budget ran out, so now Crystal has stopped coming too. Remember the good old days? Just you and me, in office hours? What happened to that? I guess we just drifted apart. You’ve moved on to bigger things, and here I am, using strippers as nothing more than a shoulder to cry on. I have become the shadow of a man that once was. I’ll be at the bar if you change your mind.

David