Everyone knows about the “magically delicious” marshmallows in Lucky Charms. From the tiny tricolor rainbows to the unidentifiable yellow blobs, the marshmallows get all of the glory. But the secret to Lucky Charms’ power lies not in their neon lumps, but in their white-coated pseudo-cheerios. Everyone knows that the white coating is just crack cocaine cut with sugar to mask the taste. Any parent who has ever seen their kid after doing the Charms saw that coming from a mile away. This reporter did some digging and found that Lucky Charms is actually far worse than anyone expected. General Mills uses their under-the-radar wheat cereal to subliminally brainwash all who eat their dangerous concoctions.

X – The immoral leprechauns would love for three of the X shaped cereals to float into a line in your young reader’s cereal bowl. Their questions will pour out faster than the full carton of milk they spilled yesterday.  The worst part is that if you do not tell them the wicked truth, you risk your youngster scarring their sensitive corneas with a Google search. Even SafeSearch cannot stifle a curious mind.

Bell Of Death – Everyone knows that Ireland, England, and Scotland are all basically the same place. Bells are very common grave markers in that area. Lucky Charms, which markets itself as an Irish company, is trying to spoil childhood with daily reminders of death.

Fish of Oppression – The Jesus fish is a symbol of centuries of persecution. Lucky Charms clearly aims to scare our children away from freely expressing their Christian ideals. Do not let General Mills strip your babies of their First Amendment rights! Keep your right to express your love for Christ!

Shamrock of Religion – Shamrocks are known to be symbols of the Holy Trinity. Each leaf signifies the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Why is General Mills trying to force their religious garbage down our throats? Why are we letting them? SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE! DO IT!

Illuminati Tree – A triangle with an eye underneath is the symbol of the Minority Illuminati. This collective is responsible for some of the worst calamities of our generation, including the creation of candy corn. Minority Illuminati members include Kanye West, Sonia Sotomayor, Pitbull, and Bo Obama. Bill Clinton acts as their token “white” member, even though he was the first black president of the United States. Clearly General Mills is run by the Minority Illuminati.