While we have known for millennia that Jesus loves his people, this week’s breaking news reveals his secret plum obsession. When polled, 69% expected his favorite item for consumption to be a star fruit, given its unique, astral form. Another 21% predicted Jesus’ favorite fruit to be an apple, against all of the morals of the story of Adam and Eve. Overall, this declaration of love for the sweet, ripened ovary of Mother Nature surprised the general public. Especially as this news is coming after millennia of Jesus having been adamantly against the simple pleasures of life, such as premarital sex, wearing cotton, and stoning neighbors. Our own reporters were plumb shocked to hear the news, although our request for an interview with the celebrity himself has not yet been fruitful.

Apostle Peter, when interviewed, confirmed that he will no longer eat plums, as he has decided that he is not worthy of the honor of consuming the fruit that so aptly captures the image of his savior’s rear end.

Philip, who initially met Jesus while sitting under a fig tree, has determined that he will remember the sacrifices of Jesus Christ by abstaining from plums and ingesting the Fig Newtons® of ancient times.

Doubting Thomas, known for not believing in Jesus’ resurrection, really just doesn’t like plums, so this did not appear to be something that he had to think hard about renouncing.

James the Less, unavailable for comment, was seen crossing Jerusalem eating a plum two days after Jesus’ comments. Could there be a feud developing between the biblical characters? This story is still developing, so check back later for updates.