When porn world superstar Toní Monkkake announced that he would be producing and starring in an adult adaptation of Curious George Rides a Bike (1952, Hans Augusto Rey), entertainment tabloids went crazy with excitement for a blockbuster that would feature his signature retroactively-sexist style of fisting. After 12 days of round-the-clock filming, Curious George Anally Fists a Prostitute (2016) debuted last weekend with a lackluster box office total of $7 million on its opening night.

Viewers were generally left dissatisfied with the predictable and dry plot, which contained only four instances of clitoral orgasms, an unusually low number for a feature of its length, 169 minutes. Although Monkkake’s impressive girth added a familiar warmth to the set, many of the scenes felt forced and the final performances were rather unconvincing. Some of the imagery was a bit hard to swallow, for instance that Monkakke’s piledriver move was supposed to represent the ongoing political struggle between Houthi rebels and government forces in Yemen.

Though much of the film suffered from a lack of symbolism, particularly in the anti-climactic bukkake finale, it was redeemed by a heartfelt performance from Kristii Starr, an up-and-coming actress persevering despite poor guidance from director John “Big John” Sausageton. Starr is best known for her breakout role as Sandy Cheeks in Bikini Bottom: Diaper Rash (2013). She has since shed her signature bush and opted for a neat school-girl style trim to accurately portray her character’s role of “Kindergarten Teacher.” This makeover came as a pleasant reassurance to hardcore fans, who feared that she would choose to wax her celebrity cooch instead.

But Starr is the only female actress who will make any headway with this flick. Busty blonde Cherri Cornflaïxxx, cast as the office secretary who is having an affair with the principal, was emotionless for nine of her ten blowjob scenes. Her uninspired pegging left expectant fans disillusioned. And Nikolas Cumbucket is unimaginative as a male nurse who comes up short during the students’ physical examinations.

Ultimately, the film is saved by an unbelievable money shot on Monkkake’s part. His four minute long ejaculation is a marvelous moment for viewers of all sexes, and will leave you ready for more. To many fans’ dismay, production of the next installation of the series has been pushed to early 2018. Avid Starr watchers can wait out the delay by subscribing to Starr’s online channel, “Tits on Tufts Campus.”

Total rating: 5/5 stars, still came