Duxbury MA 

Resident Tracy Schwartz has recently brought forward a detailed account of what she calls “The War of the Birds” happening in her backyard garden.

“The details may shock you but the story must be told,” says Schwartz, who is dealing with an empty nest of her own. “My youngest, Joshy, just went off to college this year so I decided to take up birdwatching. I was always fascinated with nature when I was a girl, so I thought coming back to it wouldn’t be so hard. I can tell apart a female and a male of any species in this backyard, which is more than my husband Dave could ever do.”

Schwartz has reported apparent bird-on-bird crime involving a territorial dispute in what her husband David Schwartz calls “the piece of crap birdhouse she hired Dicky Estevez to build.”

“For years this wren had come and made his home in our garden birdhouse, finding a mate and having beautiful baby birds,” Mrs. Schwartz said longingly, sighing; “But this year, when spring came, something terrible happened. You see, sparrows return north earlier in the spring. And this year they’ve chosen to have their children, who are too big to fit in the holes Dave refuses to widen, in our garden where the wren usually does! The wren doesn’t give up though, and I always root for the underdog. I’ve always cared deeply for the little people. My husband Dave only cares about the game, and whatever deposition files his secretary, Beth, is always calling him about on his stinking Blackberry!”

Mrs. Schwartz grew red in the face and took another sip of her Pinot Grigio as she prepared to continue her story.

“So one day I’m outside watering my hydrangeas, and I hear a splat out on the driveway. I see the wren flying away. I walk out the driveway and what I see is simply horrifying. I’ll tell you what it is. It was broken egg. With a little baby sparrow inside. I could not imagine the sorrow of those poor sparrows! I couldn’t bear to see this violence on my property. After Vicky Higgins from next door poisoned the spruce tree I planted on our property line, I got the ladder from the garage and climbed up and tore apart the sparrow’s nest myself. I did this for two reasons: I didn’t want that sparrow mother to be reminded of what could have been; also, I wanted to the wren to come home where he belongs.”

The wren, gently perched on Schwartz’s hand

Women all over the South Shore are calling Schwartz a local hero, some even going so far as to rip apart bird nests in their own birdhouses. There have even been reports of broken antique bird baths. David Schwartz could not be reached for comment.