George R.R. Martin to Write for Spongebob

Features | April 28, 2016

It was announced last week that famed Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin will write another season of the beloved children’s show Spongebob.  Executives from Nickelodeon feel that the show “went in a new direction” last season and they are “excited to see what Martin has up his sleeve next.” They hope that he will be able to keep the show interesting for years to come. Whether this is true or not is yet to be seen; however, one distinct change in viewership is already clear. Since Martin signed onto the show, the average audience member, who in the original days of Spongebob was a mere three years old, is now a twenty-four year old male. Both demographics, however, tend to live with their parents.

Many viewers wonder what new experiences will befall their beloved characters in this upcoming season. Last year, Martin took the classic Spongebob formula of friendship, excitement, and Krabby Patties and turned it on its head. Bikini Bottom is now in turmoil with each character vying for power. The greedy and powerful Krabs Clan has taken control of the city through incest, deceit, and murder. Meanwhile, in the North, the grim Tentacles Family was wiped out in a gruesome massacre during a bridal shower. Spongebob himself is currently forming an alliance with Sandy Cheeks, but online rumors suggest she could be double-crossing him in exchange for the endless supply of oxygen she requires to survive. North of the Wall, Alaskan Bull Worms are banding together and preparing for a massive siege on Bikini Bottomeros.

The most recent season of Spongebob has been highly controversial, but numbers don’t lie: viewership has increased 40% among adolescent males since the switch.

Who will control Bikini Bottomeros in the end? It looks like we will be on our toes for quite some time. Martin is rumored to be releasing the next season of the show within the next fifteen years, but according to him, if we keep inquiring about its release date then “something gruesome involving fire, a medieval torture device, and three pounds of tartar sauce might just happen to Patrick.”

Although Martin may be unwilling to comment on the next season of the show, Spongebob himself agreed to an exclusive interview. When asked about his sex scene, rumored to be taking place next season with at least four other characters, he replied with a simple “I’m ready.”