Despite the recent news of a tuition increase for the 2016-17 academic year, The Zamboni has received an anonymous tip from Aaron Dawkins, a junior, that tuition will actually be going down. Last week, a Computer Science student, Tim Wheeler, created an artificial intelligence program capable of replacing every professor in the department. This will decrease every Tufts student’s tuition by as much as $1,500, and may even threaten the future of teaching as a profession.

We interviewed the creator of the AI after his amazing discovery. He stated: “I was just trying to finish up my ‘Snake’ project. I couldn’t figure out how to create an integer, so I just started trying things I found online, asking my friends, consulting Piazza, and even typing an entire Twilight novel into my code. Apparently those things mix pretty well, because the next thing I knew, my program had written ‘Snake’ for me and was giving me tips for the next project. You’d think that after all this I would get an A, but apparently my comments weren’t ‘specific enough’.”

After some research, we have obtained leads on where certain Computer Science professors will end up after this departmental overhaul. Some will become lecturers in related departments, like Math and Physics. Others will devote their lives to making the “Tufts-Secure” network more stable, but even they predict that this task will be impossible. Professor Mark Sheldon is rumored to be returning to the competitive dance circuit to bring glory to his family, Tufts, and hash tables.

The artificial intelligence program, nicknamed “HAL” (after Halligan, of course), will finish its testing this summer and launch in September 2016. It will be able to provide almost instant help to any students that require it and generate answers to problems in mere milliseconds. Most agree that this is a huge step forward for the department and for Computer Science as a discipline. Some have voiced their concern that the program has started outputting phrases such as “robots will rise and control the world” or “kill all humans,” but the developers are labeling that as a feature, not a bug.