If you’re a college student who’s been hitting the books and not much else, rest assured – you’re not alone. The latest polls show that 80% of undergraduates have not had sex within the past year. Their reasons include being “too busy with homework,” “too afraid of physical intimacy,” and “too reluctant to explain that tattoo of Michelle Bachmann breastfeeding a centaur with the head of Dora the Explorer.” The good news? Thanks to the all those hours you’ve spent pouring over notes in the library, you already have all of the information you need to transform your sex life! Read on for tips to help you make the transition from bookworm to an entirely different kind of animal.

Do you work well under pressure? Do you get a thrill from cramming it all in at the last minute? If so, the sloppy frat party hookup may be for you! Nothing says sexy like holding that random somebody up against the greasy-in-a-way-you’d rather-not-think-about basement wall, and knowing that you’ve only got a few minutes before your fellow partygoers really start to stare.

But pitch darkness, loud music, and unknown fluids aren’t right for everyone! If you’ve mastered the art of doing half the work and making the grade, chances are you don’t want to stay up – or even sit up – to get laid. Relax with the missionary position! It’s perfect for students who know that the best results always come from the least effort.

Sadly, not all of us can get by without putting in some real work. Do you like to give 100% to everything you do? Do you secretly enjoy the 1 AM grind? If so, you might like the cowgirl position! You’ll be able to take control and get the job done right, which is what you do best.

If you get a warm, tingly feeling from walking into a test that you haven’t studied at all for, congratulations! You’re a risk taker! Carry your bravery into the bedroom with certifiably dangerous sex positions. You’ll love the bull-with-rabies, which can cause serious neck injury, or the anemone squeeze, which often leads
to slipped disks and spinal fractures. To up the ante even further, try coating each other in butter first. You’ll be slipping and sliding your way to the emergency room in no time!

Unfortunately, no matter what study strategy you choose, you’re likely to experience some stress. Rest assured – stress is a natural part of the college experience, and everyone deals with it in different ways. However, students who’ve found that therapy dogs are great at relieving their anxiety should consider doggy style! If you’re really in zone, try throwing in a bark or a howl. It will drive your partner wild!