Sudden Price Surges in Condoms & Coat Hangers Spark Numerous Theories
When Venezuelan president Nicolas Maduro inexplicably hiked the cost of 36 condoms up to 750 US dollars last month, economists and political analysts alike were baffled. This unprecedented 4344.44% price increase sparked protests, riots, birthday parties, and even a return to medieval contraceptive methods, such as pulling out, which totally works if you do it right I promise I’m really good at it everything will be fine just relax jesus christ you’re so paranoid. But just yesterday, another President delivered a second shock to the coitus-having world. During his appearance as a special guest on the popular reality television show Sesame Street, United States President Barack Obama announced that effective immediately, military grade titanium coat hangers will cost American consumers approximately $74 each. The strange connection between Obama’s and Maduro’s decisions has not escaped analysts. “The association between condoms and coat hangers is obvious,” says economist Streetlamp LeMoose. “Of course, both make great impromptu toys for children ages 3-6, and preliminary studies have even shown that they might be somewhat effective in preventing childbirth.”
Despite the clear commonalities between condoms and coat hangers, Obama and Maduro’s behavior remains mystifying for LeMoose, and he is by no means alone in his confusion. After failing to find a plausible explanation for the leaders’ decisions, most of the nation’s analysts have begun to hurl farfetched theories into the public discourse that range from “bath salts” to “global warming.” There is only one man who believes that he can sufficiently explain the recent events. His name is Swathfeld Buckman, and he is convinced that Obama and Maduro are conspiring to increase the world’s population to supply their nations’ armies in preparation for World War III: North Korea Strikes Back. While his theory may seem fantastic, his battery of evidence is in fact exhaustive.
“First of all, Obama and Maduro are friends,” he states. “Everyone knows they go to that store together.” Buckman is of course referring to Teddy’s Tea and Taxidermy, a DC area shop that allows patrons to taxidermize any recently deceased creature, no questions asked. Store employees have reported that Obama and Maduro are frequently seen there enjoying each other’s company with one hand on their chai lattes and the other halfway up a piglet’s anal cavity. The two men are always careful to speak in low voices, to avoid being overheard, but Buckman has fortunately achieved elementary lip reading skills. After careful analysis of the shop’s security camera footage, he is pretty sure that both Obama and Maduro mention North Korea often. There is only one hole in Buckman’s theory: he concedes that the leaders could also be saying “more gonorrhea.” “If this is the case,” says Bucman with a shudder, “the war will be even more horrific than any of us can imagine.”
Whether it is a war with North Korea or gonorrhea that we will soon face, the world is undeniably heading for treacherous times. Sadly, for those who live in Venezuela, defense against gonorrhea will be slightly more expensive than usual, so let us pray that it is the rogue nuclear nation that will next turn
its guns against us, and not the wart-causing, increasingly drug-resistant superbug. Those poor Venezuelans can only handle so much.