Once you get past the book-wormin, college today is just an excuse to party. Even freshlings know that when Friday night rolls around, everyone and anyone who’s somebody is on the prowl for a sexy hookup–or just a quickie go-blow. College life is full of responsibilities, and most students use the weekend to throw out some steam by “glazing the plaza”, (cheap beer and old water–get used to it!). Here’s the locksnap on intradorm hookups: don’t do it. Even if you stay friends after the smoke clears, chances are you’ll be trading enough evil eyes to fill the puke trench behind Frat Row. Blork! Worse, you might give some jock’s bleacher-kitty a tongue-bath, and end up with a hairball sandwich.

Professors can really get on your case, so make sure you get hitched and latched before you sally off to class with your pockets full of used joints and condom bottles. Everyone in college is out to get an education, so don’t think that you can slurp by on your intuition. Researchers from Texas Christian University have shown that college-age women who achieve in school have more orgasms than those who don’t–over eighty-six a week. That means if you can find a generous guy in a frat basement, you’ll be curling more toes than a family of sloths. Basketball games can be a great place to meet fun, active people, but watch out when the hoops really start to fly–you don’t want to end up eating breakfast in bed at the campus gore-chamber (that’s frat slang for health services, take notes!). Jocks can get big heads after sinking a few butterballs on game night, so remember: if you sleep with the small forward, you might be taking a big step back into the Hall of Shame. The dining halls are your place to mingle, so don’t forget to dress up before you come, and dress down while you’re in line for casserole surprise. That’s right, according to a poll conducted by our staff, a whoppering 78% of college students have done the skintight slizzle in the cafeteria. Talk about ca-noodling!