This semester, Tufts University welcomes the opening of the newly renovated academic building at 574 Boston Avenue. The four story tall structure, occupied primarily by the physics and community health departments, was designed to combine pleasing aesthetics with modern technology in order to maximize opportunities for learning. However, not every student has been fortunate enough to experience the generically aqua chairs or the panoply of glass walled study rooms that others have quickly come to know and love. For those Jumbos who have been deprived of the ambrosia of new-carpet smell, we present five underappreciated features of 574 Boston Avenue.

Electrical outlets Ever wondered why you couldn’t find a place to charge your phone or laptop in most of the rooms on campus? The secret is out: the administration was saving it up for here! You can’t go five feet (or 1.524 meters) without tripping over an outlet of some sort. This panacea for the battery-life challenged exemplifies the dedication to technological modernity that this university stands for and that 574 Boston Avenue seeks to inspire.
Elevators This feature of the refurbished building will appeal to those students that are too tired to scale a set of stairs to arrive at a class. Start by taking the fifteen minute jaunt from the campus center to this sparkling emblem of the institutional edifice complex. Upon arrival, check out the beautiful new elevators situated on either side of the first floor. You’ll never have to use your feet again!

Jeff Jeff’s a pretty chill dude, from like Indiana or something. You might find him sitting in the common space on the first floor or tucked away in a study room on the third level. Legend has it that if, during midterms, he sees his shadow, Jeff has six more hours of practice problems to complete.

Dell desktop monitor in Room 401 You could totally steal that shit and no one would even notice. I mean, come on. It’s like free money. Enjoy it while it lasts! For the less adventurous petty thieves out there, consider swiping an Expo marker or a roll of toilet paper.

Nuclear reactor We probably shouldn’t tell you about this, but you’ll keep this between us, right? Well, according to a source familiar with the matter, the physics department has been illicitly siphoning funds from the endowment for decades. These tainted greenbacks have been funneled towards the construction of a secret underground facility far below 574 Boston Avenue, where squads of graduate students slave over the maintenance of a moderately sized uranium enrichment facility. Since the site is rather “hushhush,” it may not be easy for you to see this contravention of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty in person. Only the chosen few may receive access to so great a power.