Dear Zamboni,
I’ve been having some problems recently with someone in my friend group and I don’t know what to do! I really don’t like them but they’re already close with my friends. Can you offer any advice?
-Troubled Theresa

Dear Weakling,

So you know I’m a very successful person, right? Well, I am. And I’ll tell you why: I defeat my enemies. How? Defeating the enemy is not always done in one fell swoop. The enemy is not vanquished in a single battle, but in a war. The key to winning this war is ignoring it and taking enemies down little by little. I’ll share with you some of the foolproof techniques I employ to ensure my victory.

For starters, when your enemy is going out, ask them “Are you going out like that?” The seeds of doubt have been planted. When they make a mediocre joke, instead of laughing politely, tell them “That wasn’t funny.” Ask them to throw something out for you. Seeing the trash will remind them that they are trash. Sleep with their roommate just to sexile them. You know you look better than them, so stand next to them more often just to get the point across. Eat chicken fingers in front of them while they’re on a diet. The crispy allure will cause them to splurge (I’m not sure what splurge means but it sounds dangerous and disgusting). Don’t invite them to your Secret Santa.No presents? What a dweeb! Give them your cold and then buy them liquid Nyquil. They won’t know what hit them!

Take their opportunities for yourself. Sleep with their advisor. Sleep with their best friend. Sleep with their little brother. Make them give you their meal swipes. If your enemy is male, casually mention to the girls he was talking to, “But, isn’t he like, really weird?” Walk into their room and make a big show of Febreezing it. Tell them, “You can come if you want. Just text (uncomfortably distant acquaintance).” Post on their facebook, “Im gay.” Unplug their microfridge. Steal their dog. Kill their dog. Instagram it. Steal their clothes. Tell everyone they have mono. Sleep with their dad. Sleep with their mom, wearing their clothes. Instagram it. Introduce their parents to your toy collection. Introduce their parents to your parents. Celebrate their parents’ 50th anniversary without them. Change their Trunk password. Eat your enemies for breakfast, and then poop them out! The sooner you start prioritizing the defeat of your enemies, the sooner you can start taking control of your life.

Know Thyself, Know thy enemy. A thousand battles, a thousand victories. -Sun Tzu’s The Art of War

Good luck!

-Zamboni