Opinion

Anthony Monaco wishes me a Happy Birthday

Another truly glorious day has dawned upon our magnificent University, and, as is true for all gifts both in and of life, all beautiful things that exist and are yet to come, this rising sun is thanks to our magnificent leader and president in perpetuity, Anthony Monaco. May His name ever be praised in the exalted halls of Tisch Library. For this is He who brings the changing semesters. He who has slain the dreaded Yolanda King. He who has never once repeated a level in Angry Birds 2. Truly, our Great Ruler is all-powerful.

And yet, this omniscient deity, this God among men, has found it within himself to wish me, a common student, a happy birthday on Facebook. Truly, His benevolence knows no bounds. Surely I have done nothing to deserve so high an honor; surely my life is worth nothing at the feet of such power. For he has led us out of Title IX non-compliance and into the light. Those who follow him are rewarded with General Gao’s Chicken in the dining halls of plenty. Those feeble souls who rise against His glory are stricken with hunger and are relegated to the quad of shame (beside the canon of implied phallic reference) so that all might witness their folly.

In the past year our resolve has been tested. Just as our unspeakably great patriarch saw fit to release 17% of His janitors, so too must we release our doubts and follow in His will. My birthday wishes are proof that our loyalty will be rewarded. And as I have been rightly granted just recompense for my years of service, so can you be freed. In His infinite generosity, Monaco has seen fit to create classes allowing all to be educated in His fabulous doctrines. He is the giver of knowledge. All beings are grateful.

As you begin your orientation, you embark upon a holy journey closer to Him. Each fumbled introduction, each awkward inquisition as to another firstyear’s intended major, will prepare you to receive this most honorable of blessings. When you first behold His fantastic visage upon the orientation stage, you will involuntarily stand from your chair just so you can fall to your knees and weep. For all things are made better by Him. Food passes through His mighty digestive system and is made more nutritious. His bowel movements are served in the burritos at Hodgdon. His urine becomes fair trade blend coffee. We fumble in darkness, and He is the light.
tony monaco

Loyalty is strength. Freedom is fear. Tufts is forever.