In a surprising break from tradition, representatives from NASA announced Tuesday that they will be sending Hugh Spellman, a balding, unemployed virgin, to the international space station with the next launch. While the move is controversial in the field, experts suspect that Spellman may be the key to finding extraterrestrial life. “We have recently come to realize that our methodology in seeking contact with aliens is faulty,” said the representative. “All of our current astronauts are at the peak of intellectual and physical fitness—really the kinds of people we, at NASA, have never been able to approach at parties. Quite frankly, we believe that the aliens may be intimidated.”

When asked how he felt about being the ambassador for the human race, Spellman was hesitantly optimistic. “I almost backed out when I learned that the aliens may not look like anatomically correct green women,” he said, “but my mom really talked me into it. I feel like I owed her something nice since I couldn’t finish law school.”

To prepare for his six-month stay in the international space station, which orbits the earth once every 90 minutes, Spellman has been placed on a strict training regimen. “My mom is trying to make me healthier meals, and I ordered a shake weight,” Spellman said. “It should be here in four to six business days. I’ve already lost two pounds.”

Dave Sanders of NASA described the rigorous selection process used by his team to determine which one of over 500 applicants would be selected for the mission. Prospective astronauts were first subjected to an intense psychological test to determine who would be the most suited as ambassador of all of Earth by NASA’s extremely high standards. “The man or woman selected had to prefer the original ‘Star Trek’ to ‘The Next Generation,’ but also had to believe that Picard was superior to Kirk,” said Sanders. “Spellman was a standout from the beginning because of his ability to burp, verbatim, the entire first episode of ‘Battlestar Galactica.’” Applicants were then given a test to discover which of them could bear the isolation and detachment many astronauts feel in space. “We lost most of our most promising candidates when we told them they would be missing the premier of the new ‘Spider- man’ movie. At that point, Spellman was the obvious choice.”

Despite the optimism of many at NASA, there are some who urge caution when dealing with extraterrestrial life. Manny Breer is an astrophysicist with NASA and an amateur philatelist. “In ‘The Amazing Spider Man’ issue 48, the aliens who came to Earth were hostile and saw human beings as food,” he told reporters. In response to concerns shared by Breer and many other employees, NASA released a statement outlining that, in ‘X-men’ issue 57 and ‘Batman’ Issue 174, aliens were proven to be friendly and helpful. They also urge naysayers to recognize the fact that Superman, Man of Steel, is from the planet Krypton. “I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Breer, “Batman is obviously superior to Super- man.” When asked to explain NASA’s official stance on Batman vs. Superman, NASA representatives could not be reached for comment.