The Virgin Mary

The Virgin Mary, class of 5 BC, is remarkably still just as committed to celibacy as Tufts University is.

“That steel trap remains shut,” confirms her son Jesus Christ, class of AD 16. “In fact, she’s even begun promoting celibacy among others.” Although it remains unclear why the Virgin Mary’s son would be abreast of his mother’s sexual exploits, the information he provides is consistent with accounts from other sources.

“She breaks into the Health Center to steal their condoms,” says Mr. Christ. Indeed, Health Center workers have been faced with a string of break-ins, during which nothing but condoms were taken. (pro chastity activist)

Jesus Christ also reveals that the Virgin Mary has begun to use her mysterious powers to infect sexually active students with chlamydia. “It’s awesome,” he says. “Some dude will just be walking by, and my mom will look at him, and WHAM! He’s got chlamydia.” Presumably, the Virgin Mary hopes that the discomfort associated with the disease will dissuade students from engaging in sexual activity, though it remains to be seen whether this strategy has been effective.

“There is no guarantee that students will curtail all sexual activity upon receiving chlamydia from the Virgin Mary. It is my concern that her actions will simply cause the spread of chlamydia throughout the Tufts Campus,” says Health Center director Michelle Bowdler.

At Bowdler’s urging, posters have appeared around campus warning students of the signs of divine chlamydia and urging them to seek treatment. This canvasing of the campus is a visible testament to the fact that the Virgin Mary continues to influence the Tufts community millennia after her gradation. She thus joins the rank of many other notable alumni who have left lasting impressions on our campus.

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Zamboni reporter Aviva Schmitz contributed while on assignment in Nazareth

Josef Stalin

Tufts University alumnus Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin (Class of 1914) has been called many names since becoming a Jumbo. Some of these names include “beanie baby visionary,” “immortal,” and of course “Brosef Ballin’.” Though he has dedicated the past few years of his post-college career to social justice work, in his early professional life Stalin pursued his love of music, culminating with his role as the producer of the award-less, introspective collection titled “Now That’s WhatI Call Music: Volume 4.” Throughout his career, Stalin has been a staunch supporter of classist structures, and his writings on such matters can be found in Tufts’ only magazine written entirely in binary, “01001010 01101111 01110011 01100101 01110000 01101000 00100000 01010011 01110100 01100001 01101100 01101001 011 01110 00001101.” He holds three world records, two of which are undocumented, and is a generous donor to the Tufts Students Rescue Minorities From A Safe Distance organization. This intrepid Jumbo has appeared on multiple local access talk shows, informing communities about crisis matters such as the appropriation of sloths, kitten farming, and cheese. Tufts is honored to share the accomplishments of Joseph Stalin.